But really, Why NOT me? After a discussion about the fact that bad things do happen to good people, a friend in Sunday School reminded me of this. I have to remember I am already given so much more than I deserve.
It has been 56 days since I saw this:
Surprised?: YES
Freaked out? a little
In love: immediately
Plans were made. A possible new car, room rearrangements, name ideas, preparing little hearts.
Dreams were formed. Blonde hair?, Brown eyes?, Boy or Girl?, Doctor or Missionary?
But then, no heartbeat.
Dreams were shattered. Hearts were broken. Too many Dr.'s and hosptial visits.
And now....attempting to move on.
Yes, we've been through this before, but the 3rd time is NOT a charm.
Emotionally, this has been the hardest yet.
I put on a happy face and go on, because it WILL be ok. I know that. Yet still, it just plain ole stinks.
Too many thoughts of why and how are spinning around.
I feel guilty because I do get pregnant so easily. I know too many people who just want a baby, and just once, they want to see that positive sign. I have 3 healthy, beautiful, smart, amazing children, and for that, I am more than thankful. We are so incredibly blessed!!!
But all I am thinking of right now is that is should be me posting that ultrasound picture on FB. It should be me posting that video of the kids announcement, doing the cheer they practiced for. "Hey, Hey, What do you say? Number 4 is on the way!"
But I am not. And it stinks.
But, I know he has a plan. He has a plan for me and our 3 beautiful children we have here and our 3 precious children in heaven.
Things could be SO SO SO much worse, so I feel bad for complaining about this.
So, my attitude from now on is not going to be, "Why me?", but "Why not me?"
The Lord never said it would be easy......
5 comments:
So sorry to hear about this and will be praying that the Lord will continue to carry you all thru this!!
Shanna Matthews
Kelly, I wish I had the words that my heart want to say. But know this. You are loved and we are going to have a reunion in Heaven where I can cheer again just like I did that night my old living room. I miss you with all my heart!!
Oh Kelly, I feel your pain. You know what I have been through it also and it doesn't matter how many you have and all that. It hurts. It is sad and it does stink. I am so sorry for your loss.
Kelly, I just cried when I read how you described this. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you and love you girl.
Amanda
Oh sweet girl. I truly can't imagine what it feels like to have 3 precious souls in heaven. I'm so very sorry. You are most definitely not complaining, but yet attempting to understand the purpose, the reason and moving through the grief of losing something so precious. I have a few verses that might help.
2 Corinthians 12:9
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.
1 Samuel 1:27,28
I prayed for this child, and the Lord granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the Lord.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
As you don not know the path of the wind or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things.
Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I love you!
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